splintered.
this is a feature I wrote for San Joaquin Magazine in 2013- a splintered mind; walking through life with adhd.
I often make light of life with my special needs son. My nature is to always approach things with a sense of humor, but the brutal truth is there are frequent moments when there is no light. Moments of frustration, panic, exhaustion, shame, depression, second guessing, fear, doubt, anger, despair, heartbreak. There are daily difficulties, obstacles, struggles, problems, hurdles, tantrums, tears, turmoil, meltdowns. My oldest son was diagnosed with ADD, combined hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive type, when he was in first grade. We wrestled through Kindergarten with daily behavior rewards/consequences and homework… Oh homework! Five minutes of homework turned into thirty five minutes of agony. Every. Night. Somehow, we managed to come out on the other side of Kindergarten in the first grade. The first week proved this was going to be one, very, long, hard year. My son couldn’t sit on his colored square during circle time, couldn’t wait his turn to be called on, was disruptive, didn’t listen, fidgeted, continuously throughout the day got up and down out of his seat, shouted out, sang out lyrics to a song, violated spatial boundaries, bothered classmates, and had a difficult time following through with tasks. Inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity are the key behaviors of AD(H)D. While it is normal for all children to be inattentive, hyperactive, or impulsive sometimes, for children with ADD, these behaviors are more severe and occur more often. His teacher thought it might be helpful to talk with a psychologist or psychiatrist, and so we did, and thus received a diagnosis. I imagine there are many kids that are misdiagnosed, and there is a common belief that ADD is a made-up or exaggerated condition. ADD, however, in its truest form, is life altering. To complicate matters, ADD is regularly accompanied by other conditions- called comorbidities, such as ODD, childhood anxiety or depression, OCD, Tourette’s, sleep disorders, and learning disorders.
Today, my son sits with the co-morbid diagnosis of AD(H)D, ODD, (ODD is Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and exactly like its name, kids with this disorder are oppositional and defiant. They have no fear of authority or consequences, and are disobedient, and often hostile.) Childhood Anxiety, Sleep Disorder, Mild OCD, and an Audio Processing Disorder. My son has poor impulse control which leads him to act inappropriately and lash out physically. He has difficulty reading social cues- facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. - and has trouble making/keeping friends. He loses his temper quickly and often. He is easily annoyed and frustrated by other people while he intentionally aggravates others. He is resentful and hostile with adults, bossy and pushy with other kids. He manipulates everything and everyone to be in control at all times. He blames everyone else for his difficulties and makes excuses for his inability to cope. Of course, he doesn’t see his behavior as defiant; rather he believes that unreasonable demands are being placed on him. And today, we live with the stigma in many places that my son is a trouble-maker, spoiled, rotten, disrespectful, a poorly disciplined kid. To the outside world, it can be difficult to tell the difference between a kid who is having a behavioral problem because of a brain based disorder like ADD, or because he is being a brat.
A day with a child who has AD(H)D/Oppositional Defiant Disorder is a series of battles in an undeclared war. A war in which there is no training and there is little tolerance and little acceptance. My son has been kicked out of athletic programs and after school programs, shunned by parents, and rejected by kids. Babysitters don’t come back, child care professionals have walked out, coaches have walked away, and teachers have given up. The world sees the surface of my son- impulsive, defiant, mouthy, strident… few can get past the surface to see the inside- protective, fiercely rooted in family, sensitive, loyal, persevering, keenly perceptive, acutely observant…my son who gives me and his siblings the best bear hugs known to mankind, my son who freely gives to others without expecting anything in return, my son who’s witty sense of humor is beyond his years, my son who’s brilliantly talented with his hands that he can take anything apart and put it back together again by sight alone, my son who has a worrisome mind and a sensitive heart. My son, who is easy to love, but difficult to raise.
We have been through trial and error with sports- baseball, soccer, basketball, Tae Kwon Do, gymnastics, and football. While he is giftedly talented athletically, he doesn’t easily take instruction or comply with the coach’s demands, and isn’t willing to perform drills. My son has decided that “running sucks” and there is absolutely no reason and no situation whatsoever in which he would EVER need to run.
We have been through trial and error with medication- dosages and side effects- and the journey continues as his metabolism changes and hormones fluctuate. The great debate about whether or not to medicate is not a battle I chose to fight. I am not qualified to argue the merits of medication and children, but I am suited to say that for my family, for my son, I felt obligated, responsible, to utilize the resources available to him that would give him a fighting chance for success- academic success, social success, and overall life success. Medication is not a cure; it is an aid. My son recognizes that medication helps his “brain feel organized without so many splinters.”
Life itself is trial and error. Traditional parenting, whatever that is, doesn’t exist in a family where AD(H)D/ODD is present. And the traditional right of passage of just being a carefree kid doesn’t exist for a child with AD(H)D/ODD. So, together, my son and I walk (definitely, not run) this long and windy road- him yearning to make sense of this world, which is often bewildering and bitter through his splintered eyes; and me, crusading, flexing, continually adapting to the day, the battle, the challenge at hand, determined to remove as many splinters as possible along the way.
