I’m lying in bed. The only place I retreat to every time my body breaks down, which it is doing now. Over the past year, my body seems to be detouring on average once every few or four months. Being sick for four, five days has given me the time to think about my frailty. Even though my sickness is only a flu virus, which poses little threat to my life, the fact that I must withdraw from being productive to spend time in bed exposes my weakness, and that is not always a bad thing. Being laid up forces alone time with my thoughts. So many thoughts continuously looping and occupying space in my mind.
And so, I have assembled those thoughts, reflections, and contemplations here...
marriage is a gift, especially in the low ebbs of life.
Only a commitment to love one another at all times can carry a relationship through life’s valleys. Somehow my husband managed to care for me, three kids and three dogs all while doing dishes, laundry, cleaning, and his regular job, in which he awakes at 4:30am for.
kids are the most amazing gift.
Not being around my kids for a week would normally seem like a vacation from day-to-day life as a mom, but it is the worst. I missed being with my kids, talking about their days, listening to their stories, hearing their voices, laughing with them, watching them interact with each other, and being able to do “mom things” for them. Not knowing who was where and doing what is unnerving, and I hated it. Missing the closing of each night and the beginning of each day with each other was insufferable for me. The intricacies of each day are what make up life. Not being part of that, sharing in the albeit mundane details about the day, was incredibly lonely. Being detached from these extraordinary souls that my very own soul and spirit are so intimately and meticulously tied to was agonizing.
I was also painfully aware of not being able to hug and kiss my husband and kids. Reflecting on this reminded me of how exceptionally wonderful it is to have the privilege to hug and kiss my husband and kids every day.
the best times in life are spent laughing.
It is that simple- laughing is good for mind, body and soul.
our bodies are amazing machines, but they need care.
I am responsible for maintaining my physical health. I’m a notorious sucker for believing that ultimate cheeseburger and greasy French fries when they promise to solve all of my life problems. Of course, they lie. They always lie. It’s my body. My body helps me to live the life I want. So it’s my responsibility to manage my physical health. I need to be better at listening to what it needs, and to give it more consistently what is good for it.
rest is part of the process.
Rest isn’t the enemy of momentum and productivity, but instead the foundation from which everything else comes to life. There are seasons where we do have the energy and drive to work towards big goals and dreams. But if my mind, body, and spirit are aching for some rest right now, I must allow myself to slow down and accept that it’s okay to be living and working from a lower capacity in this present season. I have my permission to give myself that. Whatever rest I need is not a burden but instead an opportunity to show up for myself with patience, kindness, and grace; and whatever tasks are left undone on my to-do list can almost always wait. If I allow the busyness and hustle to take over, I am giving up my inner peace. I am allowing other people’s priorities to rule my day, instead of working from a place of power and impact. My inner peace is my personal power. When I maintain my personal power, I make the greatest impact and work from the highest place of creativity in my next season.
i have to let others take care of me.
Yes, I said that. Not going to lie, it was difficult to say in my head, then out loud, and then write. I mean, I am in the role of caring for others- not the other way around. I tend to get stuck in the role of the capable and strong person but being sick has taught me that even I need to recognize and accept that it is okay for someone who loves me to be take on the role of capable and strong person. Letting others help is a wonderful gift to give. Accepting help authentically and expressing gratitude whole-heartedly has helped me to remember how both parties benefit from the exchange of kindness.
self-compassion isn’t being indulgent.
It’s necessary. Every day. This is a life skill. A life skill that at the age of 51, I have not even come close to mastering. When I am dealing with the impact of a health trauma, having compassion for myself carries me through the difficulties. It is a way of telling myself that I am worth it, that I am deserving of compassion and kindness, that it is ok to slow down and not produce or achieve as much because my body has changed for now. I have had to really dig deep and accept that it’s ok to adjust expectations of myself and of others. Self-compassion has enhanced my ability to adapt and be flexible.
it’s impossible to move forward if I’m trying to control the outcome.
I am driven, compulsive, go-getting, a task master- if you will, in almost all of my waking state. There were so many things going on in the mind- like how did I get sick, how could I be sick again, why I am getting sick... I felt like I needed to definitively determine why and how I was sick. But, I didn’t need a story to tell about how I got sick or where I got sick. It happened because it happened, and my job was to release my reaction to it. Learning to live in that uncertainty, to show up in that uncertainty, has been a running lesson of my life. Because the truth is, there are no certainties, no guarantees. Compassion, patience, and empathy are key. The worst thing I can do is to make myself feel inadequate like I need “fixing” or try to have control over the outcome. I cannot hold space for myself if I am telling myself that I am not good enough, or a failure. I also cannot hold space for myself if I am obsessed with controlling and predicting the outcome. Our ego wants to control everything. It doesn’t care about our higher-level work, our journey of self-actualization, or self-discovery. Not much can be achieved by holding space just to feed our ego. My growth, and ultimately my joy, are limited by letting my ego take the reins. I need to surrender to the process, show myself unconditional grace, and be brave enough to ask myself the questions that will truly guide me to let go of the things that don’t serve me anymore right now. By releasing, I can endeavor to really take some meaningful steps forward.
solidarity.
Somewhere in this world there is another person feeling the exact same sickness as me. That someone may be down the street, in another office, perhaps on the other side of the globe. Separated, we are united in the same battle. We can pray for a person we have never met, who is suffering the same way as us. Sickness can lead to unity, and suffering unleashes love. When we pray for someone else, we love them. Through that suffering/sickness/darkness, more love is unleashed in this world. And boy, do we need more love in this world!
fresh air is a beautiful thing.
So is all of creation. I need to get out and really enjoy it while I am still breathing.
...and in tandem with enjoying the environment, I pondered my patronage of plastic. So. Much. Plastic. I need to reduce, or preferably eliminate, my damaging contribution to this glorious Mother Earth.
the people who care were there.
And it felt good. It was really nice to know that they were indeed there; and they did indeed, care. Though I wasn’t emotionally moved at the moment they came- because I was sick, of course- but the texts, check-ins, and offers of help from friends and neighbors were so incredibly meaningful, and so genuinely appreciated. The simple words “How are you?” and the kind gesture of “Can I bring you some soup?” made a difference. It mattered.
And lastly, I suppose, any experience is worthwhile, regardless of its length. After a week and a half, I’m happy to report, I am feeling much better. Healing, as it turns out, has a lot to do with patience, with reflection, and with a deeper understanding of hope and compassion. Busyness clouds our judgment. And if we don’t intentionally slow down sometimes, our body will take a detour to force us to put the brakes on... and life is just way too short to be in a holding pattern for any amount of days.
